THE SHOWDOWN

It’s been five years since Matt Damon and Ben Affleck took home their Good Will Hunting Oscars, winning the hearts of America in the process. So it’s time we evaluate these Boston pretty boys as they continue their separate quests to conquer Hollywood:

Best Pre-Superstar Role
DAMON: Played heroin-addicted Gulf War vet in Courage Under Fire. Reportedly lost 40 lbs. for role.

AFFLECK: Hilarious as asshole sales clerk in Mallrats. Apparently gained weight for role.

Critical acclaim
DAMON: Earned great reviews and Best Actor nomination for turn in The Talented Mr. Ripley. Generally gets decent reviews.

AFFLECK: Gets ripped more than wrapping paper on Christmas morning.

Action star potential
DAMON: Showed some promise in The Bourne Identity. Executed beleivable hand-to-hand combat moves, conducted car chase admirably.

AFFLECK: Extensive but spotty action resume includes Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Reindeer Games, The Sum of All Fears, Daredevil. Did lots of running, yelling, grimacing. Jaw remained clenched throughout.

Actresses Dated
DAMON: Winona Ryder, Minnie Driver; dumped latter on Oprah Winfrey show.

AFFLECK: On again, off-again semi-platonic relationship with Gwenyth Paltrow. Expected to wed Jennifer Lopez, summer 2003. Expected to be cheated on by Jennifer Lopez, winter 2004.

Career strategy
DAMON: Pick starring roles in dramatic thrillers. Selectively pick supporting parts in films with good directors (Saving Private Ryan, Ocean's Eleven). Occaisionally attempt period pieces to gain credibility (The Legend of Bagger Vance, All the Pretty Horses). Fail in said attempts. Avoid romantic comedy like the plague.

AFFLECK: Attempt to be next action superstar by signing on for any role offered in Jerry Bruckheimer movie. Occaisionally work in bad romantic flicks (see: Forces of Nature, Bounce). Earn as much money as possible before world realizes lack of acting talent.

OVERALL GRADES
DAMON: B+
AFFLECK: D+