LIST-O-RAMA
Least-Anticipated Summer Movies

It would be fairly easy and unoriginal for me to wax prolific on the most anticipated movies of the summer, so I thought it would be more fun to take on the ugly side. So while I will surely be at the theater for The Matrix Reloaded, The Italian Job, S.W.A.T., The Hulk and Charlie's Angels 2, here are some movies that I will avoid like the plague this summer:

5. Pirates of the Carribbean. So I guess this movie is for people who love the Disneyland attraction, but wish it were two hours long and featured Johnny Depp as one of the dirty swashbucklers. An army of skeletons is also prominently featured in this movie, so the special effects will undoubtedly be terrible.

4. Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. The title enough makes me want to groan. I suppose they figured Angelina Jolie's hotness would be enough to make audiences forget that the first movie sucked ass. Not this clever bloke.

3. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. I have no idea why anyone would want to adapt this comic book about a group of characters from 19th century literature who band together to save the world. Sean Connery clearly got bamboozled into signing on to this surefire trainwreck, which was beset by difficulties during production. I think it's especially telling that this movie is being alternately advertised as LXG and The League. They can't decide how best to package this monstrosity.

2. From Justin to Kelly. So many red flags here. First of all, it's a musical comedy. Second of all, the release date has been pushed back about 4 times. Third of all, not even American Idol fans give a rat's ass about Justin Guarini anymore. Fourth of all, any movie featuring large-scale dance numbers on a beach is doomed to the Battlefield Earth circle of movie purgatory.

1. Gigli. The reason why the first of two Affleck-Lopez movies will fail can best be explained by this plot description, as written in Entertainment Weekly: "Affleck plays a bottom-rung hitman named Larry Gigli-- a faltering tough guy who kidnaps a prosecutor's mentally impaired brother. When Gigli begins to feel sorry for his abductee, his bosses send in a lesbian contract killer (Lopez)." This preposterous premise will surely make this the new Swept Away, a cautionary tale for actors who work with their lovers. The two of them get enough criticsm working solo; the press will have a feeding frenzy once they see them work together. If this movie is as bad as it looks, at least we know that Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl will have to be an improvement.