No Comb will save Combs

I've always liked Sean Combs. In the "Puffy" era of the late-90s he was one of my favorite hip-hop producers. Then in the "Puff Daddy" phase, I still found him charismatic, even though his rap skills were mediocre at best. Even at his lowest moment, when his gun trial coincided with J. Lo dumping him, I never joined the chorus of P. Diddy-mocking. I've even taken some measure of satisfaction in his recent Making the Band-fueled resurgence. But all this good will might be going out the window after seeing this new picture of his atrocious new haircut. I don't know if he's trying to set a trend or if he lost a bet, but an afro mohawk is just unforgivable.

 
Hoops Springs Eternal

With the NBA season tipping off tonight, I thought I'd offer an assortment of random thoughts on the season ahead:

* LeBron this, Carmelo that. I'm as interested to see those guys as everyone else, but I think Dwyane Wade will win rookie of the year. He, not Carmelo, was the best college player last year and his 6'5'' body is NBA-ready. Plus he has two factors in his favor: 1) He plays in East and 2) He's not expected to be the star right off the bat. Caron Butler will carry burden of being the team's focal point, allowing Wade's scoring talents to flourish over the course of the season.

* Speaking of Dwyane Wade, can his parents and and Antawn Jamison's parents please hold a joint press conference? Were they just trying to be different or was there a birth certificate typo?

* Whenever I think about Keith Van Horn being on the Knicks, the first words that come to my head are invariably "unmitigated" and "disaster".

* Just when you thought you've had your last Horace Grant sighting... there he is, back with the Lakers. He, Julio Franco, Stan Javier, Sean Landeta and Morten Andersen should have their own reality show: Nonretirement Home.

* With Antoine Walker and his 25 erratic shots per game going to Dallas, the door is open for Paul Pierce to absolutely blow up this season. The Truth will be the MVP of every fantasy basketball league in the nation.

* Great to hear that Al Michaels will be the lead announcer on ABC's NBA telecasts this season. But why did they take Tom Tolbert off of the lead color commentary team? He had more fresh things to say than the typical recently-fired-coach-turned-analyst.

* Brad Miller is the most overrated player in the league. A seven year $68 million dollar contract for playing one good season in a weak Eastern Conference? The guy only made the All-Star team last year by default- there are only a handful of 7-footers in the conference. Anyone who thinks the Kings improved with this acquisition is kidding themselves.

* Of the new uniforms debuting this season, the Nuggets' slick duds definitely take the cake. Evoking the powder blue of the San Diego Chargers' classic threads is a great move in my book.

PLAYOFF CRYSTAL BALL

* In the East, I think we'll see a few surprise teams that will be much better than they were last year. Orlando will make a strong playoff run now tha McGrady has some frontcourt help in Juwan Howard. The Heat have a lot of young talent that will flourish now that Pat Riley's iron fist is no longer holding the team back. But in the conference finals Larry Brown and Darko Milicic will give Detroit the juice they need to muscle past the Nets in the conference finals.

* Out of the West's "big five", Sacramento is the one headed for a fall. The Kings are never healthy- it's always some kind of nagging ailment or freak injury keeping them from being at full strength. Their team is getting old and their bench got thinner in the offseason, so I'd be shocked if they made the conference finals.

* The Mavs are no better or worse than last year. Even though they're adding Walker and Jamison, that offense get any more efficient than it already was. Danny Fortson can rebound, but not well enough to neutralize the superb big men in the West.

* All the preseason focus so far has been on the Lakers and Mavs, but the new-look team I'm most interested in seeing is the Timberwolves. Kevin Garnett was already on the verge of an MVP season, and in the playoffs, Troy Hudson proved that he could ball. Adding Olowokandi, Sprewell and The Hideous One means Minnesota suddenly becomes multi-dimensional. After serving as the Oakland A's of the NBA the past five years, I'm predicting that the T-Wolves will finally get out of the first round.

*The Lakers have star power, but I just don't think that team can come together for a title run in one season, especially with Kobe's trial scheduled to take place in May. This isn't like football or baseball, where a patchwork of new players can get you an instant title. NBA teams take years to mesh together.

*That leaves the Spurs, who were clearly better than the Lakers and Mavs in the playoffs last season and improved in the offseason. Plus in basketball more than in any other sport, the team with the best player wins the crown. And Tim Duncan still wears black and silver.

 
Grady Gamble

I can only shake my head at the news that Red Sox sacked manager Grady Little was this morning. Yes, we all know that he made a bad decision to leave in Pedro Martinez during Game 7 of the ALCS. But to fire a good manager for one mistake is a rash and foolhardy move by the Boston front office. The organization (and the entire angry city of Boston) is essentially punishing Little for blowing the Sox's pennant hopes. But here's the problem: by castigating Little with a pink slip, the team will suffer. Little did a great job of getting the Sox to play as a team, placating Manny Ramirez and squeezing 95 wins out of an average pitching rotation. Do the Sox honestly think that there's someone out there who can win 96?

This is exactly what happened with the 49ers. The front office said "Steve Mariucci can't get us far enough. Let's get rid of him!" Problem was, they didn't have any replacement lined up. After months of sifting through mediocre candidates, they settled on retread Dennis Erickson. Every Niner fan, journalist and casual observer knew that Erickson would never be as good as, let alone surpass, Mariucci. Why do sports franchises just assume that getting rid of the current, imperfect guy will automatically make things better?

 
Fall Classic Forgetfulness

There are two baseball-related snubs that have been bothering me lately:

1) With all the hoopla around the agony of the Red Sox and Cubs franchises, I have not heard one mention of the Chicago White Sox. Boston fans act like their they're the neglected stepchild of the baseball world, since they haven't won a title since 1918. But the White Sox haven't won since 1917, and you never hear their fans complain. Sure, Boston fans have had to endure some tough losses, but White Sox fans had to endure their team's betrayal in the Black Sox scandal. Meanwhile, the media has been acting as if the entire city of Chicago got together for a Cubs love-in during the playoffs. This ignores the fact that the city has two long-suffering franchises. Wouldn't that aspect have made a better story?

2) The Arizona Diamondbacks' 2001 title has been completely forgotten. You hear about how the Marlins are a lucky bunch of undeserving tykes who don't deserve another title since they're still a young franchise. Well, the last time the Marlins won a title, the D 'Backs didn't even exist. When Arizona won in their fourth year of existence, little fuss was made about the youth of their franchise. And then there's the forgotten fact that it was Mariano "The Invincible" Rivera who blew the save that won the Diamondbacks title. Yet this week, all we've heard is that once Rivera takes the mound, the Yankees are unbeatable. Funny how people have such short, selective memories.

 
Alcorn State's Finest

Has anyone else noticed that Steve McNair is the Tim Duncan of the NFL? He's tough, versatile and often dominant, yet his low-key personality keeps him from superstardom. When you look at McNair over the last five years, you realize you're looking at the game's best player. And it's no coincidence that in this era of NFL parity, the Titans have been the most consistently successful team over the past half-decade. Maybe it's because McNair has single-handedly blown up my fantasy team over the past few weeks, but I'm officially adopting him as my favorite NFL player. Terrell Owens, you might win your spot back if you stop dropping every other ball thrown to you: it's your contract year- play like it.

 
Munching the Pickle

Most imitators of The Onion are weak failures that can't capture the sharp wit and subtle brutality of the original. I recently learned about a site called Sports Pickle that skewers sports news items. I've been checking it out every now and then for the past few months, and there have been mixed results on the comedy front. But this week, they've posted a true gem of an article:

AWKWARD SILENCE ENGULFS LAKERS SHOWER AFTER KOBE DROPS SOAP
An extremely awkward silence engulfed the Los Angeles Lakers locker room shower yesterday afternoon after practice when Kobe Bryant dropped his soap.

“We were all laughing and joking, talking about what we were going to do that evening and then Kobe dropped his soap and the whole shower went completely quiet,” said Shaquille O’Neal. “He was bent over, floundering around trying to pick it up and I think every one of us was thinking what might happen to him a year from now if he does that.”

 
You Knew It Was Coming...

...but you still just can't believe it.

In the bottom of the 8th in tonight's Sox-Yankees game, Nick Johnson flied out to start the inning. With Boston up by three runs, I thought to myself "OK the Red Sox have a chance to win this game, as long as he doesn't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it." And then Joe Buck said it: "The Red Sox are five defensive outs away..." Right then I knew that the Sox had absolutely no chance.

Fox announcer Thom Brennaman cast the exact same jinx on the Cubs two nights ago. After the Marlins made the first out of the 8th, he made the "five outs away" comment, which of course cemented the Chicago collapse. Don't these guys know that you cannot make the "x outs away" remark until the 9th inning? I wish people would come to their senses and realize that it's jinxes, not curses that dominate important sports games. The concept of a long-standing curse is too broad; it affects franchises and seasons. But jinxes are much more individualized and specific; they affect teams and games. Jinxes can happen in an instant, out of nowhere- a much more reasonable explanation for the dramatic turns-of-event that take place in a high-stakes playoff game.

 
Lost Cause

Leave it to the Red Sox to pull a choke job in their biggest game of the year. Despite having home field, despite being able to pitch Lowe, their Fenway specialist, despite going up against a gimpy, 64 year-old David Wells, Boston failed to Cowboy Up. You just can't go 0-for-5 with runners in scoring position with two games at Yankee Stadium looming.

Ordinarily I wouldn't get so worked up about a game that didn't involve my Giants, but this is the type of series that frustrates even the most neutral onlooker. The Red Sox have never had a better chance of beating their rivals, what with their loaded lineup and superstar ace, Pedro Martinez. But in your heart of hearts you know that the Sox will find a way to lose. The batting champ, Billl Mueller, is hitting .125, while Mia Hamm's future wife is without a postseason RBI. I mean, why should I even bother watching games 6 and/or 7, when I know I'm just going to be disgusted by yet another Yankee pennant?

 
Thank God For Televised Sports

What a ridiculously happy day Saturday will be for sports fans. First, we've got Clemens at Pedro at a rabid Fenway Park. Sure I'm getting sucked into the East Coast media's fantasy tale, but it's a very compelling matchup nonetheless. In the nightcap, we'll see if the Cubbies have enough to steal a game from the Dontrelle and the Marlins, who are giving off that Unlikely Team of Destiny vibe (see: Angels, 2002). And of course, there's the droolingly good slate of college football games. I plan on being at a sports bar for the majority of the proceedings, and my tentative viewing schedule for the day looks something like this:

9:00: Miami- Florida St.
12:30: Oklahoma-Texas.
12:30: Florida-LSU.
1:18: Red Sox-Yankees.
4:45: Tennesse-Georgia.
5:00: Cubs-Marlins.
6:00: Ohio St.-Wisconsin.
7:00: Stanford-USC.
11:00: I pass out after a 14-hour binge of sports, drink and merriment.

 
End of Days?

Well, the recall election results are finally in, and as expected, California will now be governed by a breast-groping body-builder who starred in Jingle All the Way. I don't think life in the state will change that much under Arnold's first term, as the state is in such a deep hole nobody can dig us out in three years. Besides, it's not like we have an independent ecomony- California's budget and unemployment woes will be cured when the rest of the nation's economy recovers. But there will be two major effects of this recall that I'm worried about:

1) The impact on next year's Presidential election. With California under Republican control, Bush will have a better chance of taking the state's electoral votes.

2) This recall sets a horrible precedent. The idea that an interest group can say "gee, last November's fair and legal election didn't turn out in our favor because we ran a lousy candidate. Let's have a do-over" is pretty dangerous. If people don't respect regular election results, everything becomes succeptable to second-guessing. I almost hope that Arnold does a bad job just so that people can learn a lesson.

 
Sunshine on a Cloudy Day

One minor salvation for my day is that I got to see the new trailer for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. This movie has been near the top of my Personal Anticipation List for nearly a year, though there is still no release date. From the brilliant mind of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, Eternal Sunshine is the story of a feuding couple who undergo a radical procedure which erases their memories of one another. Like Being John Malkovich, Human Nature and Adaptation, this Kaufman movie sounds like it will push the creative boundaries of movie storytelling. I can't wait- even though I'll have to for another six months at the very least. My guess is that they'll try for a spring time release. This will be a quirky, critic-driven film, so it would make sense to put it out in the dead season of March and April, before the onslaught of summer competition. The appearance of the teaser does serve as a promising sign that the movie won't be pushed back all the way to fall 2004, which is still an excruciating possibility.

 
Another Year, Another Painful Elimination

Last year, the Sports Guy wrote his classic column on the 13 Levels of Losing. I couldn't help but think of this as I watched the Giants endure an unbelievably painful loss this morning. Using Bill Simmons's metric, this game would qualify as a combination of The Rabbit's Foot, Dead Man Walking, The Guillotine and The Stomach Punch. This loss had it all. The pitcher Willis getting three hits. Felix Rodriguez loading the bases and giving up two runs all with two outs. And to cap it off, that play at the plate. In fourteen years of watching baseball, I had never seen a tag at the plate end a game, much less a playoff series. Seeing JT Snow slump to the ground just made my heart sink- especially knowing that that was probably Snow's last play in a Giants uniform. Boy, this is gonna be a hard one to swallow.

 
Tater Tally, Pt. 2

That 100 Home Run list was also great because it rekindled my memories of the #4 blast on the list, Joe Carter's walk-off blast that ended the 1993 World Series. The mental images of Carter's joyful leaps around the basepath got me to thinking: what are the greatest on-field celebrations in sports history? Here's my list:

Honorable Mention: Brandi Chastain, Carlton Fisk (points are subtracted because the arms-waving came before the home run cleared), New England Patriot Lonie Paxton's snow angel and Billy "White Shoes" Johnson.


5. Poor Craig Ehlo. Michel Jordan's leap-and-repeated-fist-pump routine has made Ehlo's name synonymous with fruitless attempt to defeat of greatness.

4. Indiana coach Mike Davis, his win over Duke with the same fervor with which he coaches on the sideline.

3. Carter, acting exactly like he did when he was a six year old imagining that very moment.

2. Hampton Coach Steve Merfeld, after his 15th seeded Pirates upset Iowa State in the 2001 NCAA tournament. Any time one of your players is holding you off the ground while you kick and flail with glee, you know you've done a good coaching job.

1. You want the definition of heart? Try Bobby Orr going horizontal after scoring the Stanley Cup-winning goal in 1970. Sure he was aided by a leg trip a nanosecond before this famous photo was snapped. But look at the joy on Orr's face, even though he knows he's about to take a face plant onto the ice. Classic.

 
Tater Tally

ESPN's Page 2 has compiled their list of the 100 greatest home runs of all time. Trivial sports lists are the types of things that Page 2 does best, and this one doesn't disappoint. I'm glad that they seemed to rank the bombs based on game significance, rather than just reputation. For example, the number 1 entry (the only Game 7 walk-off blast in World Series history) isn't as famous as McGwire's 62nd, so it's great that Bill Mazeroski is getting his due. To achieve such a tremendous feat with the stakes so high, you have to classify Maz's home run as one of the greatest--and most underrated--feat in sports history.

 
Tom Jackson, Steve Young and Michael Irvin Are All We Need, Thank You

Clearly, ESPN didn't think this whole Rush Limbaugh idea through when the network signed him for NFL Countdown. Though I thought it was a ridiculous idea at the time, I understood why they hired him to be a commentator: to create controversy and thus boost the show's ratings. So after I heard about his misinformed comments about how the media has been rooting for black coaches and quarterbacks, I wasn't all that shocked. I mean, you knew it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. What did surprise me was his abrupt resignation from the show after the firestorm surrounding his remarks. First of all, let's not kid ourselves, ESPN forced this resignation as was fearful of losing advertisers. But didn't the suits in Bristol expect and anticipate this kind of conflict-baiting? They got just what they asked for. I assumed that the network would have used the free publicity to their advantage and kept Limbaugh on for the rest of the season. ESPN does deserve kudos for making the right decision today, but you have to question their judgment in hiring him in the first place.