I'm the Mel Kiper Jr. of Summer Movies

I find myself in the same position every May: excited and optimistic that there will be some really good movies in the coming months. Sure, I nearly always end up sorely disappointed, as I'm not the wide-eyed 12 year-old who was riveted by films like Demolition Man. You know, prognosticating the summer movie slate is a lot like trying to evaluate the NFL draft. And since this blog is heavy on the sports-talk to begin with, let's break down the summer movies as if they were NFL prospects:

LARRY FITZGERALD DIVISION: The Can't Miss Blue Chippers

This class is for movies with either an innovative director (The Village's M. Night Shyamalan), a star that I like (Anchorman's Will Ferrell) or good buzz (the anti-McDonald's documentary Super Size Me) . But the last two members of this class have all three; Collateral and The Terminal have can't miss directors (Michael Mann and Spielberg), superstar Toms (Cruise and Hanks) and an X-factor that piques my interest. Collateral has Jamie Foxx, the flawless comedian who's also an underrated actor. The Terminal is loosely-based on the true story of a guy's who's been living in Charles DeGaulle airport for 16 years.

BEN ROTHELISBERGER DIVISION: Have the potential to be special, but certainly don't bet on it

When I first heard about I, Robot, I was very, very intrigued, as it's about time they make futuristic artificial intelligence movie that's actually intelligent. I can't help but look forward to The Day After Tomorrow as I have a thing for garish disaster movies. The Ben Stiller-Vince Vaughn comedy Dodgeball could be riotously funny or it could be another Mystery Men. Spiderman 2 looks cool, but that franchise is still in need of an awesome villain: Doc Ock is just too unrealistic, even for a comic book movie. Although everyone's trying to make it into the next Gladiator, I'm reluctant to jump on the Troy bandwagon. Brad Pitt has a spotty track record and I don't think he was cast in this movies for his acting chops. In one 30-second commercial earlier tonight, there were three separate shots of Pitt leaping into the air with his tunic-clad thighs spread apart. This worries me.

CHRIS PERRY DIVISION: What you see is what you get...and no one's very excited about it

The first movie was all right, but did anyone ask for The Bourne Supremacy? Do we really need to see what happens next to this white-bread amnesiac spy? I pity anyone who is excited about Van Helsing. Yeah it'll have some cool stunts and slick costumes, but it's from the director of both Mummy movies, which was like a crash course in bad special effects. Finally, there's only one reason to see Catwoman, and we all know what it is.

CRAIG KRENZEL DIVISION: Why even bother?

While Soul Plane merely looks mind-numbingly stupid, White Chicks takes African-American comedy to a new depth. This one looks offensive to both blacks and whites, while ruining any shred of good will the Wayans brothers had left from the days of In Living Color.
I have no idea why anyone decided to remake Shall We Dance, a Japanese dancing movie that was a lukewarm hit in 1996. That they decided to cast Richard Gere and Jennifer Lopez all but ensures it's dismal failure. When will people figure out that J. Lo hasn't been in a good movie since Out of Sight six years ago? Finally, there's no doubt in my mind that the absolute worst movie of the summer will be The Chronicles of Riddick. First of all, Vin Diesel's day in the sun is over- forget all that talk about him becoming Hollywood's next action star. Second of all, even though Pitch Black made decent money when it came out in 2000, that doesn't mean the movie has enough of a fan base to warrant a sequel. Do you know anyone who has even mentioned Pitch Black in the past four years? Third of all, any movies that both takes place on another planet and features Dame Judy Dench is doomed for the land of Battlefield Earth.