Living in TV Land

When I moved into my apartment last fall I signed up for a special cable TV deal with Adelphia. For six months I was to get six HBO channels, five Cinemaxes and their full slate of digital cable channels for just $39.99. Well, today is the last day of the deal and since I didn't feel like paying $70 each month, I turned in my cable box and I'll go back to a more modest slate of basic cable. Yes, I shed a tear.

The most glaring loss I'll face is that of HBO's Six Feet Under. I'm five episodes in to the new season and it's just starting to get good. But now I won't be able to see the eight remaining episodes until they release the DVD set, but that could be a year and a half from now. But other than that show, I really don't watch much of the premium channels. The digital channel I'll most miss is ESPNEWS. Having a live Sportscenter every half hour is an invaluable convenience I'll surely miss.

There are a few other cool, but non-essential channels I'll lose. MTV2 is good for seeing "alternative" videos but I was surprised at how much unoriginal programming they have. They endlessly air old episodes of UltraSound and True Life, making it feel like it's just a dumping ground for it's parent channel. ESPN Classic was nice but a tad disappointing. Old Lakers-Celtics games are great but most of the games are uninteresting (Do I really need to see the 1993 Alabama-Auburn game?). Other stations like Fox Sports World (constant soccer) and Game Show Network (cheesy Gong Show reruns) are good for passing the time, but won't really be missed. I think the loss of these 30-or-so extra channels is a blessing, because I watch far too much TV as it is (which is blatantly obvious from what I've just written).

 
Another blunder in American journalism

I was disappointed to hear that war correspondent Peter Arnett got sacked by NBC and National Geographic yesterday. Arnett gave an interview on Iraqi television in which he praised Iraqi hospitality and said that the American "war plans have failed because of Iraqi resistance. Now they are trying to write another war plan." While Arnett isn't going to win Patriot of the Year any time soon, I don't think his words were grounds for dismissal. Nothing he said compromised the war effort, nothing he said was unprofessional and nothing he said was false. Arnett, not any NBC executive, is the one on the front lines so let him report the war as he sees it. We're talking about a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist who has been covering wars for over 30 years. All NBC and National Geographic have done is weaken the already sub-par American journalism corps. Arnett was a valuable resource who should've been given the benefit of the doubt.

 
Kansas 78, Arizona 75

Few things give me more pleasure than watching the Wildcats lose. I'm particularly happy that I never have to see Gardner, Walton or the dastardly Rick Anderson (who directed a crotch-grab at the 6th man club two years ago) wear an Arizona uniform again. But what an outstanding basketball game. All the runs by both teams, the athletic plays and the back-and-forth action in the last seven minutes combined to give us the second great regional final of the day.

With both Kentucky and Arizona losing, all those Chicken Littles can shut up about having both teams on the same side of the final four bracket. For two weeks, nearly every sports journalist cried foul about how Kentucky and Arizona were going to meet in the national semifinal instead of the final. Well here's a newsflash folks: you can't assume anything about the NCAA tournament. Anyone can be upset in the single-elimination format (unlike in the seven-game playoff series of the pro world) which is what makes this best sporting event there is.

 
Marquette 83, Kentucky 69

Wow. Dwyane Wade just put on the best college basketball performance I've seen this season. So many dunks, leaners and threes. The entire team just hustled on every play, ran faster on every posession and shot with pure determination, totally embarrasing Kentucky. Marquette showed that heart matters most once you get deep into the tournament because the gap in talent shrinks so much after three rounds of tournament play. See Gary? This is why you watch.

 
Should we boycott protests?

Despite the fact that we're a week into Gulf War II, anti-war protesters have not let up, organizing rallies across the nation. I've always been supportive of protest as I think it's essential for citizens in a democracy to evaluate everything that the government does and to express dissent if warranted. But lately I've been observing that more and more protesters are becoming misguided in their efforts. For instance, what exactly does laying down on the street and blocking traffic accomplish? Well, it gets the attention of the media as well as just about everyone in the city. But how does it possibly help the effort to end the war? Is it really worthwhile to cause mass inconvenience to your fellow citizens--many of whom are also anti-war--by lengthening their commutes (therby adding to air pollution)?

I think the heart of the matter is that protesters are much more selfish than people realize. The main goal of these activists is to merely express themselves. Accomplish change would also be nice, but it's really a secondary concern. Americans love the first amendment fervently and we get tremendous satisfaction from simply having our voices heard (why do you think I write this blog?). So whether it's purchasing french wine just so you can pour it down the drain or burning copies of your platinum-selling Dixie Chicks albums, Americans are all about abstact expression, leaving little regard to tangible effect.

 
Stanford's consolation prize

Congratulations to Joe Kirchofer and Josh Childress for making ESPN's First-Team All Hair! Both guys made the team last year, and when Joe comes up with his next innovation (Cast Away-style beard? An 1840's-style curly mustache?) he'll surely three-peat next year.

 
The NBA Experience

I attended the second NBA game of my life last night, Mavericks-Clippers at Staples Center. The game itself was surprisingly good, as the Clippers kept it close for most of the game (thanks to the unlikeliest of fan favorites, Eric Piatkowski) but the Mavs proved too tough down the stretch. My boys Steve "The Human Hurricane" Nash and Dirk "The Berlin Bomber" Nowitzki put on quite a show, as that Dallas offense is a thing of beauty.

The atmosphere of Staples was an experience in and of itself. First of all, it is clear that the Lakers own the arena, and the Clippers are just tenants. From the massive Lakers championship banners and retired jerseys hanging from the rafters, to the purple seats throughout the arena to the trio of building-sized Kobe Bryant billboards across the street, it's obvious who the boss is. Second of all, the Clippers fans who were at the game were ridiculously quiet for most of the game. Perhaps it's symptomatic of NBA arenas everywhere, but the crowd just sat quietly and observantly, even when the Clippers made good plays. Thirdly, attending the game just made me appreciate college basketball all the more. Both on the court and in the stands, the Clippers game just lacked the intensity, the urgency and the passion of college hoops. I guess I need to go to a Sacramento if I want to see an NBA game as it should be.

 
At least he wore a tux and not a XXXL t-shirt

Like many people I watched Michael Moore's acceptance speech at the Oscars and was a little taken aback by his forceful comments. I am a fan of Moore and while I think that saying "Shame on you, Mr. Bush" was too inflammatory for an awards ceremony, I think he's receiving too much criticism for it. I respect him for taking a stand at a time when liberal dissent is frowned upon and for being honest his feelings rather than just giving another vague "let's have peace" message. Moore defended his actions to Entertainment Weekly and I think he explained himself quite well. And I can't wait for his next film, Farenheit 9/11.

 
THE ROUNDUP
A quick take on the day's headlines

SI columnist Phil Taylor has a very intriguing article examining why men fight. He cleverly compares the actions of Bush with the actions of Mike Piazza in his baseball brawl last week.

Newsweek's Marc Peyser has hit the nail on the head with regard to television coverage of the war. I'm glad I'm not the only one frustrated by the news networks inability to present a complete overview of what's going on and when. As Peyser puts it "What do you call it when someone turns on the lights but you still can’t see?"

And finally I got the news I have been waiting well over a year for: Radiohead is releasing a new album. Cleverly titled Hail to the Theif, it sound like the record will have some sharp anti-Bush commentary. Here's hoping the band returns to it's more melodic (as in less weird electronic techno-y) roots.

 
Project Mayhem

I just finished watching Project Greenlight, thanks to the savior that is Netflix. I had been wanting to see the mini-series for some time, but I couldn't since HBO only released the DVD as a boxed set. I had gone into several Blockbusters and Hollywood videos, but nobody had it available to rent and I didn't feel like plunking down $50 to buy the whole set. But thanks to Netflix, not only was I able to see it, I could watch it disc by disc.

As for the series itself, I think it's a must-see. What an entertaining behind-the-scenes look at the pitfalls of small-time moviemaking. The great thing about the show is that the director (who wins a screenwriting contest and gets $1 million from Miramax to make his movie), is basically set up to fail. This poor sap Pete Jones starts as this wide-eyed optimist who's so excited to get the chance to tell his sappy coming-of-age drama. But then bickering producers, on-set blunders and studio politics conspire to screw him over. Watching a series like this makes me glad I decided not to pursue the film business. Project Greenlight shows that it's much more fun to be on the outside looking in.

 
Really? The Academy Awards are tomorrow?

Man, I've been so consumed by the NCAAs and the war that I haven't even commented on tommorow's Oscars. Well, here goes nothing:

BEST PICTURE
Right now, Chicago is the biggest favorite in this category since Schindler's List ten years ago. I loved the movie and I'll be happy to see it win. The only other nominee I've seen is The Two Towers and I was pretty disappointed by it. I've been meaning to see The Hours, but it's the kind of movie where I'm not exactly sprinting to the theater.

BEST DIRECTOR
I really hope Martin Scorsese doesn't win as some sort of bastardized Lifetime Achievement Award. The award should always go to whoever did the best work in that particular year, regardless of who has or hasn't won in the past. You don't see anyone handing Barry Sanders a Super Bowl ring "because it's so sad he's never won before." So here's hoping Rob Marshall takes the prize he deserves. But I think the Academy will punk out and give Scorsese the trophy.

BEST ACTOR
This should be the best race of the night. I loved Nicolas Cage in Adaptation, but Nicholson deserves it for carrying the best movie of the year, the underappreciated About Schmidt. But if I were a betting man, I'd put my money on Adrien Brody in the upset. Same principle as above: "Let's reward the guy who's never won before!"

BEST ACTRESS
In another tight race, I think Diane Lane was amazing in Unfaithful. But this race is going to come down to Zellweger and Kidman. I'm picking Kidman, because Oscar loves to award it's high-profile actresses who've never won. She'll also undoubtedly win everyone's Best Dressed award too, so that everyone can breathlessly proclaim: "Oh, it was Nicole's night!" (See: Halle Berry, Gwyneth Paltrow, Julia Roberts)

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
I thought Paul Newman was the best, but sentimental favorite and guilty pleasure Christopher Walken will narrowly beat out a more-deserving Chirs Cooper.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
This will be another tight race. Bates, Moore and Streep are all well and good, but I think Zeta-Jones will win, just so that we can all be witness to the sight of a verrry pregnant woman gingerly stepping up the stairs to the podium.

OVER/UNDER ON LENGTH OF THE CEREMONY
3 hours, 52 minutes

 
And then there were 32

Well the first round of the tournament is over and while I didn't get to see very many of the games, I can take solace in the fact that my bracket is looking excellent. I went 24-8 in my predictions and 15 out of my sweet 16 are still alive. Maybe there's something to my conservative strategy of picking every team seeded sixth or better. But then again, most upsets tend to happen in the 2nd and 3rd rounds, so I'll wait until Sunday night before I break out the champagne.

 
And now for an all-new episode of War!

I thought it was interesting to see how different TV networks dealt with the war coverage last night. It was an odd mix, with some channels airing regular programming, one channel airing the NCAAs and others going to full coverage of the war. I think CBS did a nice job last night of showing the basketball games, with periodic news breaks from Dan Rather. The good thing about this strategy is that the audience learns about important events and they can decide for themselves whether they want to turn to a news channel or keep watching the game. MTV decided to repeat their post 9-11 strategy by showing videos from appropriate (read: non-hip hop) artists like Audioslave and John Mayer. Then we also got little news segments with Kurt Loder and MTV "news correspondents" who interviewed musicians and fans. It just felt like an overbearing attempt to get Generation Y thinking about this war whether they wanted to or not. The wisest choice of the night had to be ABC's decision to pre-empt Are You Hot? in favor of news coverage. For some reason they decided that images of Lorenzo Lamas critiquing some girl's thighs might not go over too well in war time. Judgement call.

 
Folied by Aaron Brown!

Dammit! My plan to catch a half-hour of tournament action during my lunch break has been ruined. I knew that the pizza place across the street from my office is the only restaurant in the neighborhood with a TV, so I went there hoping to get a glimpse of BYU-UConn. But when I got there, they had on CNN and the war coverage. What are people doing watching a war when there are basketball games being played? I mean honestly, where are your priorities?!?

So I'm relegated to eating lunch here in front of my computer as I track the games on CBS Sportsline, which does an excellent job of giving realtime scores and stats. I brought my headphones in case I have the chance to listen to the Stanford game. I hope I can pull this off without raising suspicion around the office...

 
Bracket musings (since you haven't heard enough of them lately)

Well now that I've finally filled out my bracket, I can unleash my thoughts on the NCAA tournament. Rather than make my picks based on gut feeling and trying to predict every single upset, this year I decided to be ultra conservative with my bracket picks. In my elite eight, I have four #1 seeds, two #2 seeds and two #3 seeds. I feel pretty solid about predicting Oklahoma to beat Kentucky in the final. I think Hollis Price is the second coming of Mateen Cleaves, and he has more heart than any other player in the tournament. Along with Price, and an experienced coach in Kelvin Sampson, it's Oklahoma's underrated frontcourt of Brown, Ere and Bookout that will lead the Sooners to the national title.

For my other Final Four picks, I was tempted to pick Florida (a month ago they were my pick to win the title) but I don't think their players have enough intensity, so I'm picking Texas out of the South. I have been agonizing over whether to pick Arizona or Duke in the West. My head tells me to pick the Cats because they're so good on paper. But I went with Duke, just because of their three-point shooting, which can be absolutely overpowering. Redick and Ewing are shooting lights out right now and I just don't see Coach K letting the Devils lose. Also, I see hidden flaws in Arizona as a team. First of all, there is the glaring fact that two players quit the team at separate times during the season. Something must be wrong with your program when two guys decide to bolt while you're potentially a few months from a national title. This also leaves the Wildcats with two less bench players. Secondly, there was that candy-theft incident earlier this season. That type of bush-league shit just does not happen on championship teams. Arizona comes into this tournament under a bad sign, which is why they won't even make the Final Four.

As for potential upsets in the first weekend, if I weren't using my "conservative pansy" strategy, I'd have picked Penn over Okla. St, Tulsa over Dayton, and Butler over MSU. But I'd also watch out for Oregon over Kentucky and I was reallllly tempted to pick Gonzaga over Arizona. Well, now you know what I think. I'm probably wrong. Bring on the madness!

 
Life Imitating Springfield

I think that's it was either a great coincidence or shrewd timing that tonight's syndicated episode of The Simpsons is the one where Bart organizes a militia. The scenes where Bart, Grandpa and gun shop owner Herman plan out their military strategy (in hopes of overthrowing the evil overlord Nelson Muntz) felt eerily appropriate given our real-live cartoonish plans to attack Iraq. I especially liked the last scene, where Bart tells the audience "We're not glamorizing war because all war is bad." I think Dubya could learn a thing or two from Bart Simpson.

 
Access granted!

Finally, I'm able to post today. All day long I've tried to access blogger.com, but gotten a mysterious "Access Denied" message all day while I was at work. I wonder if my bosses are finally on to me...

 
Stewart rules the airwaves

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart is essential viewing this week as we head to war with Iraq. The show has really improved in the last few weeks as Stewart has become more and more political in his always hilarious satire of the day's news. The war "coverage" is great comedy but also it's quite informative, as Stewart and the correspondents present valid arguments that you'd never hear in mainstream news outlets. This is the only show on TV that calls out elected officials on their hypocritical statements whether they're Republican or Democrat. The Daily Show has also benefitted by switching from celebrity guests to more "news-based" guests like Senators and political authors. Beleive it or not, the smartest show on TV these days is on Comedy Central.

 
The life of a post-college tournament junkie

As we begin the greatest week of the year (NCAA tournament week) I've been thinking about whether the fact that I'm no longer in school is good or bad. The good thing about it is that I'm not swamped with schoolwork and don't have to spend any time studying for winter quarter finals. Now I can spend every waking hour trying to fill out my bracket without feeling guilty. It's nice to be able to spend hour after hour watching ESPN and surfing college hoops sites as I soak in every last morsel of tournament information.

But on the other hand, I have to be at work ALL DAMN DAY Thursday and Friday, meaning I can't watch the games!!! I'm even gonna miss Stanford! In college, I would just plan all my studying around the tournament itself, allowing myself a large block of time to plop myself in front of the TV. But now, I'll only be able to see the night games on TV and I'll have to settle for those real-time scoreboards to track the games while I'm at the office. I guess I can bring in headphones (although it'll be suspicious since no one in my office ever wears headphones) and try to listen in via internet radio. But it just won't be the same. Next year I should plan ahead and take vacation those days. Sigh.

 
LIST-O-RAMA: The ups and downs of conference tournaments

Throughout this week I've been trying to decide whether or not I like college basketball's conference tournaments. So let's break down the pros and cons:

THINGS I LIKE ABOUT CONFERENCE TOURNEYS
1. They give the bubble teams a chance to shine. North Carolina State, Oregon and Missouri all began the week unsure whether they would make the NCAAs. But given a few more games, each proved they belonged in the big dance.

2. They mean the world to small schools. I watched the tail end of Vermont's victory on Saturday which gave them their first NCAA bid ever. The fans who rushed the court were absolutely delirous with joy. It's clear that the league tourney is the highlight of the year for small conference schools.

3. They give the fans a week of great matchups, upsets and high-stakes drama. It's hard to dislike any opportunity to see extra in-conference battles.

THINGS I HATE ABOUT CONFERENCE TOURNEYS
1. They can screw good teams in small conferences. Even if you dominate your league in the regular season, one bad game in your tournament means you're snubbed by the NCAA.

2. Bad teams from good conferences can steal a spot from a more deserving school. Every time some bottom-dweller gets hot for three days and wins their tourney, that means a deserving at-large team (like Gonzaga, potentially) gets their bubble burst.

3. The best teams have absolutely nothing to lose, nothing to gain. Arizona, Marquette, Kansas and every other elite team that lost this week won't have their seeding affected, and neither will Kentucky should it win Sunday. All it does for good teams is wear them out and expose players to injury by playing three days in a row.

The final verdict: Get rid of them. The regular season is enough time for bubble teams and small schools to prove themselves and NCAA bids should reward regular season performance. And eliminating conference tourneys would add that much more drama to the NCAAs. But if conference tournaments must remain (and they will, because they make money) I advocate implementing the Lunardi Plan, which simply adds tournament wins and losses to a team's conference record.

 
THE ROUNDUP
A quick look at a few of the day's headlines

Talk about a costly turnover. A high school basketball player was suspended after his bag of weed fell out of his shorts during a game. Word has it that the kid has already been offered a 10-day contract by the Portland Trailblazers.

MSNBC has posted the top 20 journalism photos of 2002, and the pics are definitely worth a look. Damn I wish I could have gotten into Photo 1 when I was at Stanford.

Meow! In a stroke of pure genius, Halle Berry has been tapped to star in Catwoman. Note to costume designers: tighter is better.

 
Not so super

Movie fans everywhere have no doubt been eagerly awaiting the planned remake of Superman. Well, after several false starts in the late '90s (including one scenario with Nicolas Cage in the title role) things looked optimistic for the movie when Brett Ratner (Rush Hour, Red Dragon) was hired to direct. But once again, amid studio politics and creative conflicts, the wheels have come off of this once promising project. After several high-profile actors including Jude Law, Josh Hartnet, Johnny Depp and even Ashton Kutcher passed on the role, it now appears that Brendan Fraser is the leading candidate to don the tights and cape. I mean, who will they think of next, Seann William Scott? Word also has it that the role of Jimmy Olson is being offered to Justin Timberlake (No acting experience? No problem!). Meanwhile, Ratner recently got into a screaming match with one of the producers over the slow casting process and the movie's ballooning budget. I say they should just get Tobey Maguire for the part, giving him a monopoly on all super hero roles for this generation. But alas, he's undoubtedly smart enough to stay far, far away from this smoldering trainwreck (insert kryptonite joke here).

 
Congratulations to the Smart family!

I was shocked and happy to hear (how often can you say that nowadays?) to hear that Elizabeth Smart had been found alive after being kidnapped nine months ago. I really didn't think it was possible to find a missing person alive after more than a week or two, so this restores some of my faith in "America's Most Wanted." I think it will be fascinating to hear the details of what has been going on in the last nine months and whether or not Smart ever tried to escape or whether she was brainwashed.

On a side note, this breaking story really exposed the flaws of 24-hour news channels. When I turned on to CNN and MSNBC, it was frustratingly difficult to gather some of the basic details of the story: where and what time Smart was found and the circumstances surrounding her rescue and the arrest of the two kidnappers. I didn't get any of my questions answered until I read the story on Yahoo. The problem with the news channels is that they never "start it from the top" and recap the key information of the story. To me, those scrolling headlines would finally be put to good use in a situation like this, but instead the headlines were about unrelated news stories. I hope these news channels get it right, especially since the world is definitely going to get some breaking news in the next two weeks (Thank you, Mr. Bush).

 
It's all downhill for 'American Idol'

The thing that puzzles me about "American Idol" is that the show gets more popular as it progresses through the season. I mean, obviously the finale is going to get the highest ratings because that's when the winner is announced. But to me, the show declines in quality with each episode. The first four episodes are terrific television, as we see all the delusional, no-talent hacks perform their unintentionally hilarious auditions for the three judges. Easily the best part of the show, the opening round is where we get the best insults from Simon and the most outrageous characters (like guys who wear lime-green suits).

In the next round featuring the 32 semi-finalists, even though there's less humorous embarassment, it's is at least somewhat intriguing because we meet eight new contestants each week.

But starting with tonight's episode, the next 12 weeks are just the same people singing over and over again. Viewers can form their opinions of the contestants after one or two episodes, so why do the show's ratings keep increasing every week? To me, the show is no-longer must-see viewing... Until the finale, that is. I mean even I want to see whether Ruben can pull off the win.

 
Lazy as they wanna be

One of the things that really irritates me about the music industry is the lack of prolific artists. In the 60s and 70s, bands and solo artists alike used to hunker down in the recording studio, producing record after record. The Beatles were only together less than seven years and they released 13 studio albums, made 3 movies and toured constantly for the first four of those years. Led Zeppelin: nine albums in eleven years. During a ridiculously prolific start to his career, Stevie Wonder released 20 albums in 15 years.

Nowadays, artists act like they're doing the world a huge favor by hitting the recording studio. While there are some hardworking acts in music today (Busta Rhymes, Eminem and Dave Grohl come to mind), the industry is plagued by laziness and complacency. Most rock bands put out a record every two or three years and then milk each record to death by releasing three or four singles, stretching an album out to almost two years. Even though it seems like No Doubt is everywhere these days, the band has only released three album since their debut record in 1992. U2 has put out two original albums in the past nine years. And it's not just rock: The Beastie Boys, Method Man, Dr. Dre and Fiona Apple all have not released albums this century. What is it gonna take for artists to get off their asses and write some songs? I know the creative process takes time but if it's your job, you owe it to fans to quit "taking time to reflect" and get to work.

 
Let 'em have their fun!

After Stanford's glorious triumph over Cal tonight, the 6th Man Club rushed the court to celebrate their season-ending win over their cross-bay rivals. But this season, many in the media (including ESPN and SI) have criticized college fans for charging courts, arguing that's unruly and that fans do it too frequently.

I say, let the students go for it. Rushing the court is unbelievably fun and people rarely if ever get hurt (no crashing goal posts like in football). There's no better way to release yourself after standing through an intense game- even the players join in on the fun. What difference does it make to some sports journalist sitting in front of a TV thousands of miles away? But one should not rush the court arbitrarliy. You see, there is a hierarchy of factors that determine whether or not to rush:

1. Upset over team ranked at least 20 spots higher than you
2. Conference championship
3. Senior Day (last home game of season)
4. Win over rival or powerhouse program
5. Close score or come-from-behind victory

If two or more of the above criteria are met, court-rushing is definitely warranted. But you've got to do it based on heat-of-the-moment emotion. You can sense it in the crowd- you rush when the spirit moves you.

 
Three random things that really annoy me
(And all of them have happened here at work in the last 24 hours)

1. When people don't wash their hands after using the bathroom. Whether you do it at home is your own dirty business. But when I'm in the bathroom with you in a public place, can't you at least wash up for my benefit and peace of mind?

2. When people lick their fingers when thumbing through a stack of papers. I don't want anything to do with your saliva.

3. When people say "Can I ask you a question?" You just did! And does anyone ever respond "No, you absolutely may not ask me a question"? Life is short- get to the point.

 
THE SHOWDOWN

It’s been five years since Matt Damon and Ben Affleck took home their Good Will Hunting Oscars, winning the hearts of America in the process. So it’s time we evaluate these Boston pretty boys as they continue their separate quests to conquer Hollywood:

Best Pre-Superstar Role
DAMON: Played heroin-addicted Gulf War vet in Courage Under Fire. Reportedly lost 40 lbs. for role.

AFFLECK: Hilarious as asshole sales clerk in Mallrats. Apparently gained weight for role.

Critical acclaim
DAMON: Earned great reviews and Best Actor nomination for turn in The Talented Mr. Ripley. Generally gets decent reviews.

AFFLECK: Gets ripped more than wrapping paper on Christmas morning.

Action star potential
DAMON: Showed some promise in The Bourne Identity. Executed beleivable hand-to-hand combat moves, conducted car chase admirably.

AFFLECK: Extensive but spotty action resume includes Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, Reindeer Games, The Sum of All Fears, Daredevil. Did lots of running, yelling, grimacing. Jaw remained clenched throughout.

Actresses Dated
DAMON: Winona Ryder, Minnie Driver; dumped latter on Oprah Winfrey show.

AFFLECK: On again, off-again semi-platonic relationship with Gwenyth Paltrow. Expected to wed Jennifer Lopez, summer 2003. Expected to be cheated on by Jennifer Lopez, winter 2004.

Career strategy
DAMON: Pick starring roles in dramatic thrillers. Selectively pick supporting parts in films with good directors (Saving Private Ryan, Ocean's Eleven). Occaisionally attempt period pieces to gain credibility (The Legend of Bagger Vance, All the Pretty Horses). Fail in said attempts. Avoid romantic comedy like the plague.

AFFLECK: Attempt to be next action superstar by signing on for any role offered in Jerry Bruckheimer movie. Occaisionally work in bad romantic flicks (see: Forces of Nature, Bounce). Earn as much money as possible before world realizes lack of acting talent.

OVERALL GRADES
DAMON: B+
AFFLECK: D+

 
My dreams rest on Freddy's feet

Last week in Sports Illustrated, Grant Wahl (my favorite SI writer) profiled 13 year-old soccer phenom Freddy Adu. What makes Freddy so special in a world full of pint-sized futbolistos? Well for one thing, he plays for the United States, which isn't traditionally known as a soccer hotbed. But the other thing that distinguishes Adu is the fact that he truly is one of the world's best teenage players and has already been courted by Inter Milan and several other big-time European soccer clubs.

Well last night, in his national team debut, Freddy led the American Under-17 team to a 3-0 win over Jamaica. Adu scored a goal and contributed to the other two, beginning what will likely be a long, high-profile career for the Red, White and Blue. While I know it's highly possible that the kid could turn out to be yet another phenom flop, I can't help but have visions of a 17 year-old Freddy making his World Cup debut in Germany; of Freddy shredding through the Manchester United defense while I cheer on via satellite; of Freddy triumphantly hoisting the World Cup trophy in 2014 at the Rose Bowl...

Sigh. It's far too easy to get carried away with the hype, but I do know one thing: It is my dream to see the US win the World Cup in my lifetime, and Freddy Adu gives us our first good shot.

 
The hardest things in sports

USA Today has picked the ten hardest things to do in sports. I absolutely love lists like this one because it's a fairly trivial topic, but nevertheless there are so many aspects to it that can be thoughtfully examined.

I like their top choice of Hitting a Baseball, as I have heard many athletes say that this is indeed the hardest thing to do in sports. I wonder though, why no one ever sides with the pitcher and picks Throwing a Strike on the Outside Corner of the Plate. To me, this seems like it would be much more difficult. Granted, I whiff like crazy whenever I go to a batting cage, but I have hit a baseball before, and so have millions of people across the world. However, I know that I have never and will never be able to throw a 92 mph splitter that freezes Sammy Sosa and gets called strike three. There are only about 50 guys alive that can do that successfully, so that's why throwing a strike is my pick for hardest thing to do in sports.

As for the other items on the list I think the following are overrated: Pole Vaulting (I think many amateur athletes could be successful with enough practice), Hitting a Tee Shot (millions of people do it every Saturday) and Saving a Penalty Kick(it's luck, not reflexes). I think Tour de France, the Marathon and Landing a Quadruple Axle should have been higher. Also, I think that gymnastics was foolishly omitted from the list. Every event (rings, vault, beam) is damn near impossible for 99.9999% of the world.

 
Reverse xenophobia?

I like Colin Farrell as much as the next guy, but I can't help but think that the only reason he's able to pull off his bad-boy image is because he's foreign. I mean, could you imagine an American actor boasting about casual sex, drinking like a fish and constantly using profanity in interviews? He'd be vilified. But for some reason, being Irish gets you on the cover of US Weekly. Russell Crowe benefits in the same way. If only Puffy Combs had applied for Australian citizenship a few years back...

 
Ad Crazy

I think we can all agree that the best ads on television over the last decade have been for Nike and ESPN's "Sportscenter." Nike's clips are always eye-catching, clever mini-films. Sportscenter ads are consistently hilarious and they make great use of athletes, who normally stink up the screen when forced to be actors.

So my idea is this: Nike and ESPN should release DVDs of all their ads. Wouldn't it be great to have a copy of classic commercials like Spike Lee's "Mars Blackmon," Charles Barkley's "I am not a role model" and the March Madness "Bracketville" spots all on a single disc? You could probably fit 300 ads on one disc, and since they're all just sitting in a vault somewhere, why not? There are enough sports nuts out there to make this idea profitable. Anybody have the phone numbers for Chris Berman and Phil Knight?

 
God Bless Craig

I think we all need to take a moment and appreciate the simple brilliance of Craig's List. I mean, of all the classified ad boards, used-retail sites, and job search engines on the net, Craig (or whoever it is who runs the site) is the only person who thought to put everything together in one site. No flashy graphics, no pop-up ads, just an assload of people with an assload of stuff to offer. Where else can you find an apartment, concert ticket, a used trombone and a bowling partner all on one site? And browsing the Casual Encounters section provides hours of entertainment in itself. But the thing that really impresses me is how ridiculously popular it's gotten without much advertising or publicity. I guess word-of-mouth can actually exist in the media age.

 
LIST-O-RAMA: The Best and Worst Teen Movies

This summer Universal will release American Wedding, the third and final installment in the American Pie series. Given that Jim and the Flute Girl are getting married, I think it's safe to say that the turn-of-the-century teen movie genre is finally dead and buried. So I thought I'd take a crack at the identifying the best and the worst the era had to offer. I must preface this by saying that teen movies have an inherent element of stupidity. It's obvious that none of these films had any Oscar aspirations, so let's evaluate the films for what they are (and have the potential to be). Also it should be noted that I have not seen everything, so all you fans of Down to You and Whatever It Takes will just have to bear with me. Herewith, my top and bottom five teen movies from 1996-2003.

THE BEST

1. Scream
The one that started the teen movie trend is still the best overall film, as it has adequately stood the test of time. It's funny, scary, extremely clever and just a great murder-mystery. The gold standard.

2. Varsity Blues
This movie has everything you could hope for in a teen movie: sports triumphs, funny fat guys, strippers, cheesy lines ("I don't want your life!"), alcohol-related hijinks, a great villain (Coach Voight) and of course, cheerleaders covered in whipped cream. Go Mox!!!

3. Cruel Intentions
This movie features two TV stars who use an R-rated movie to play totally against type. Sarah Michelle Gellar is as kinky as ever and Joshua Jackson is as... devilishly gay as ever. Bonus points for Stanford's own Reese Witherspoon. Super extra bonus points for "The Kiss."

4. Bring It On
Who knew Kirsten Dunst could be so sugary and so hot at the same time? This is the teen movie that most surpassed my expectations. And Eliza Dushku had a lot to do with that.

5. American Pie
More memorable scenes than any other movie in the genre. An instant classic.


THE WORST

1. Teaching Mrs. Tingle
Absolute garbage. I think the plot had something to do with an evil teacher, a scholarship and a bungled murder plot. I've tried my best to expunge this movie from memory.

2. I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
There were two things here that particularly irritated me a great deal: 1) Brandy trying to act and 2) that stupid white guy with dreadlocks.

3. Dude, Where's My Car?
I just never got in on the joke, fellas.

4. Final Destination
This movie had scenes that were preposterous even for a supernatural horror flick. Like when the girl gets hit by that ever-so-silent bus? Please.

5. Scream 3
A bitter disappointment to a cap off a great series. Why oh why did screenwriter Kevin Williamson abandon this project to make "Dawson's Creek" and Teaching Mrs. Tingle? Too many plot twists, not enough scariness. Neve Campbell never looked so bored.

 
Will Kobe be the Greatest?

In this week's Sports Illustrated, controversial columnist Rick Reilly presents a compelling argument that Kobe Bryant could wind up being better than Michael Jordan. Reilly points out that at Jordan didn't have as many rings, didn't shoot as well, had less impressive body and a worse all-around game than Kobe does at this stage of his career.

But the fact of the matter is that Kobe plays with the most dominant player in the game, (guy called Shaq) while Jordan carried his team on his shoulders for his entire career. No matter how good Kobe is, he won't be fully appreciated until he wins a title (or three) without Shaq. Charles Barkley said earlier this season that if you took Kobe off the team, the Lakers would still win the title because Shaq is so unstoppable.

All that said, I do agree with Reilly. Kobe has three rings and seven years of NBA experience. And he's 24 years old. His ridiculous run over the last two weeks shows that he is already capable of taking over the entire league, and he still hasn't hit his prime. Let's assume Shaq puts his jacked-up feet on ice for good and retires seven years from now (when he's 38). That means Kobe will have about nine seasons to go it alone, and that's plenty of time to create his own legacy. If he avoids injury, I think he'll have a good chance to retire as the best player the game has ever seen. But like many of the greats, most people won't recognize his greatness until he's almost gone.